In that 2 years I was removed from the love business, I was actually in love with a boy for one and a half years. But it was silent love. I had become acquainted with him as we were in the same class. Our history does go further back though. When he arrived, new, at my school we had a brief period of chemistry. But one day he completely caught me by surprise when he started going out with my bestfriend. I was happy for them, perhaps secretly jealous. But i believe my feelings for him grew stronger even after they broke up. Maybe because I have seen what a romantic he was, and saw him at his most vulnerable state, when he was in love. I was able to see him for him and what a caring soul he was and how kind he treated my bestfriend. Often I envied her for the gifts he would shower her with and the love letters he would write to her - me being her bestfriend of course came with these types of priveledges, being able to see whats going on in their personal world.

But that was just history, our story began at my friend's party one evening. It proved to be a very memorable one. It was the closest our relationship ever got to becoming a real one. I was infatuated with him and we spent the whole night together. In the early half of the night everyone was eating by the pool, each person mingling on their own in to different clusters. I would flirt with various guys, but it was always him who seemed to draw my attention. It gives me shivers remembering it, the expression on his face when he gave me a rose. Although it wasn't actually for me, it was for the birthday girl from her boyfriend and was just lying there and he gave it to me. But I didn't care. Secretly, I pretended that it genuinlely WAS for me. I could feel him feeling similarly, as if it was our secret roleplay that everyone else was oblivious to. The symbolism meant everything in the world to me. I was so in love, I remember telling the birthday girl, and she was so happy for me and encouraged me into believing that yes, he really did want to give the rose to me. At this time me and her were quite close, but we're not anymore.

Anyways the night went on and the party ended, and a bunch of us resumed our festivities at a karaoke bar nearby. This is the most vivid of all my memories with him. We would constantly sit together and lie on each other and took affectionate pictures together. I remember the Monday after that Friday, I hassled my friends so badly for the pictures, I really wanted them. Sadly, I no longer have those pictures to look back on as they were lost in a tragic computer crash. Hehe. Anyways, as the night went on I kept feeling a stronger urge to kiss him. I wanted to, he wanted to to. We wanted to. But I don't know what was wrong with him, something was holding him back. He didn't. As everyone started leaving one by one, I was the last girl to go and he waited with me like a gentlemen. At our departure I remember getting the most passionate hug from him, I could feel his love and yet, no kiss. I was confused. I kept replaying the night and the moments over and over again in my head. I was so happy that weekend and eager to meet him again on Monday.

Monday came and I saw him by the lockers in the morning. I gave him a flirtatious "hi" and he responded. I thought everything was fine, our relationship was on its way. But 3rd period Business Studies class completely crushed me. The aftermath was bitter. I even changed my seat from my normal position to be closer to him, but oddly he enough moved to the other side of the room. As usual, I was sitting with my close friend, whom happened to be a close friend of his as well. He bore devastating news. He dictated to me his tale of how they talking in the toilet earlier before class. He informed me of the contents of their discussion.This line I could never forget: "I regret doing all those things with her that night." Regret? Ouch. I can handle loss of feelings, but regretting that you once felt a way for someone, isn't that like saying you never wished it happened? It was the harshest word of all. This was followed by an unsuccessful attempt of justification by my friend, "He was drunk that night, he never meant to play with your feelings." Double ouch. Was I supposed to believe the feelings were all one-sided? They all felt real to me. It was hard to believe. To add to this, I was overcome by anger - I was with him the whole night, I didn't see him drink once! Utter bullshit. But it really hurt me, searing pain.

I never looked back on the situation or tried to rekindle our relationship. Everyday, for one and a half years I wondered where I had gone wrong. I felt bad about myself, he could love my bestfriend but he was unable to love me? My bestfriend had left school by this time and was out of the picture. I kept my feelings quiet and led everyone to believe that I was over him after a month. But the truth was, I wasn't, I couldn't. And it was a hard reality to accept. No matter what I did I just could not get over him.

Until the very end of the school year, nearing graduation, it was then when I found out the reason for my rejection: he felt that he could not be a good enough boyfriend to me. The impact of his relationship with my bestfriend must have been really hard.

I believe if the following event did not happen, I wouldn't have revisited my strong feelings for him. One day my best guy friend tells me he was asking about me. Perhaps I was being idealistic or maybe I was plain disillusioned, but it made me believe that possibly, he had the same feelings towards me all this while. Could it possibly be a two-way secret love? But false alarm. My bestfriend asked him straight out and gave him time to consider, and I was rejected for the second time.

Even until the very last moment I was hung up over him. At graduation I planned to give him a letter. The night went by and I still hadn't given it to him, I was too scared. In the end, I didn't at all and I still have that letter til this very day. That little letter in that little cute pink envelope. I am a romantic.

So that is how it ended, graduation came and went and he left and I got over him.

End of chapter 2.