My position in love had long been dormant. The girl I used to be, full of optimism and passion, with all the love in the world to give, unfortunately was flawed. This excess of trust and genuine belief that everyone that came my way was pure and kindhearted and with good intentions can be much of a tribute to my naivety. And it was this character flaw that left me open, vulnerable to being hurt, by anyone. For a frivolous girl out in the open is naturally accompanied by a fragile heart and this proved to be consequential.
Throughout my early secondary life I've had many guys come my way, a couple of relationships. I tried and experimented, soon finding out that I was crippling myself. With every relationship comes an end, with every heartbreak I became more and more afraid and reserved over my feelings. Until one day I was so bruised and wounded by the shear pain every passing heartbreak exerted. It hurt so much I could not stand. My interest in love plummeted, and I withdrew myself completely from the arena.
What started out as a measure of precaution soon got carried away over time. Or perhaps it never was an intentional precaution, but an automatic one that I never admitted myself to have, one that I had no control over. I remember at one point I became completely frozen, unable to love anyone. I started becoming lonely, but still my mind led me to always believe in the worst. I had completely transformed 180 degrees from my previous optimistic state, I would always be lead to believe that love would never work out, because that certain guy would never possibly love me back. I was so scared to ever get hurt again that I lost the ability to take chances. In that I was scared too.
There came a point where at the slightest realization that there could be potential chemistry between me and a male subject, at any slightest spark my brain would automatically switch off and convince myself that I do not like the guy and it would never happen. For to like someone, you need to let your feelings develop for themselves, and let it thrive in your heart the moment you feel that spark. Because I stopped any such hint of that feeling at its premature level, I was safe, I could not love.
But soon I found it a burden. The procedure had become automatic, an internal defense mechanism. I had built up a concrete wall and now I was finding it hard to return to the brighter path I once knew. I couldn't love.
I had been single for 2 years, but now I was ready to give love another shot. I wanted it. I wanted love. Yet I could not. I wondered whether it was just this bad habit within me or did I genuinely just not find the right guy yet? But one day the issue was resolved and I was able to overcome this illness. I braved my heart and toughened up and took a chance and aimed for love. And got it. Although now with hindsight I can plainly see that it was merely an expedient love that didn't last long, it was the first and drastically vital step to getting back in the ring.
End of Chapter 1.
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